the soul of the stag
by MissingMommy
Summary: Even in the magical world, Lily feels out of place. Her soulmate dreams didn't come at ten, like her sister's, or around fourth year like her friends. It takes her until seventh year to figure out that she was always normal. ::JamesLily, soulmate dreams!AU, for Sophy.


For Sophy.

.

When Lily dreamed, she dreamed of different places. Places that she had never been – a castle that stood proudly in the snow; a house that wasn't hers, but was still beautiful; an alley filled with shops. She dreamed of them so often that sometimes she could imagine them being hers.

She dreamed in abstract, too - dreamed of crazy colors swirling around. But that was normal; everyone dreamed in abstract colors.

But what she didn't dream of was another person. Her mother said that she'd eventually come to dream of a single person, the person that best completed her – dreammates, her mother called them. Lily, though, wasn't too sure.

She was ten, the age that the dreams tend to start. Her mother assured her that not everyone gets theirs at ten, that some didn't get theirs until they were eighteen. It was supposed to be comforting but it wasn't - especially not since she knew that Petunia had started dreaming of her person when she was Lily's age.

* * *

She was lying on her back, Severus next to her, watching the clouds go by. The day was cold but beautiful. But that day, her heart wasn't into it. Her dream last night had been different than the others, and she wasn't really sure what she should make of it.

She leaned up, propping her head on her hand, and looked straight at Severus. "Have you dreamed of a person yet?"

Severus didn't look like he wanted to answer. "No. Have you?" he asked.

Lily shook her head. "But my dream last night was different. It wasn't the usual places or colors." She bit her lips. "I dreamt of deer."

He sat up. And he shrugged. "Some people like us dream of animals."

Lily followed suit and wrapped her arms around her legs. She knows what he was referring to. He had told her that not everyone dreams of places, that it was the sign of a magical person when they dream in something other than abstract. "I know, but I've never dreamt of this deer before, much less animals."

"I bet it's not a big deal," he assured her. "So I wouldn't worry about it."

Lily frowned.

* * *

The day that her Hogwarts letter came in, she dreamt of the deer again. It's the same dream. The deer was nudging into her. But it wasn't her, not really, she knew. After the nudging, the deer would back up and bow before her, six points on his antlers in the space between them.

Following her instinct, she bowed too. She could see the light brown of her own fur. When she rose, the deer just stare at her, his chocolate eyes boring into her own.

He turned and disappeared into the forest. She knew that she had to follow him. He started off slow, and as he noticed her following, he gained speed. And so did she. After a few moments, they were galloping through the woods together.

Lily woke with a start.

Unlike most of her dreams that faded as she woke, this one stayed in the front of her mind. Vividly, as it always did. She wondered what it meant as she lay in bed, staring at her ceiling.

She wondered if she would ever know.

* * *

As she and Severus got ready for their first year at Hogwarts, Lily couldn't help but notice that the alley was the same one she had been dreaming about for years. It was more beautiful in person, with all the people moving around. It seemed livelier than in her dreams.

"Sev," she whispered. When he turned, she continued, "This alley. I've dreamt of it before."

He smiled at her. "I told you that you were magical. It was probably your magic showing you where you would go."

She didn't have time to consider his answer as he took her hand. Severus pulled her along the streets, knowing his way around from the times that he had brought home potions ingredients for his mother.

Maybe, he was right, she thought. She hoped he was, anyway. But it still didn't explain the dream of the stag.

* * *

The boat ride was amazing. Lily had always loved the water, seeing it as peaceful and calm. But the castle that came into sight was breathtaking. But she had seen it before, with a little less snow perhaps. It had appeared several times in her dreams.

She squeezed Severus hand, nodding toward the castle. "It's the same," she murmured.

Severus frowned at her. "We've talked about this. It's just your magic," he explained, irritation bleeding into his voice.

"What about the house and the stag?" she questioned. "I still haven't seen them."

For that, Severus had no answer. He shook his head. "Maybe you will, or maybe you won't. Don't you dream of other places as well?"

Lily frowned. And she thought back. There were a few places that she had dreamed of other than the castle, the alley, and the house. But they were familiar – her old school, the park where she played, the vacation home the Evans owned.

When she was silent, Severus sighed. "Look, I don't have all the answers for you. I would just put those out of your mind if I were you. It's still most likely your magic blending in with your dreams."

She closed her eyes, and nodded. "Alright," she agreed.

* * *

The other girls in her dorm were nice, but some part of her still missed her own sister. The sister she had once had, before a rift had started growing between them - before Severus had recognised her magic and listened to her dreams.

She sat on the end of her bed, listening to the others talk, her arms wrapped around her legs and her head resting against her knees.

Marlene took the bed to her right. Lily could tell that Marlene was what Severus would call a Pureblood. She had obviously grown up with magical parents, around this stuff, and could barely imagine another way of life. The other two – Alice and Dorcas – were Half-bloods. And though they knew about the Muggle world, being the only purely Muggleborn still made Lily feel alone.

"What do you dream of, Lily?" one of them asked.

Lily lifted her head. "What do you mean?"

Marlene laughed, loud and happily. "All magical people dream of something other than colors. It's supposed to represent your magical abilities. We're asking what you dream about."

"Oh," she replied. "Places, mostly." When the others didn't look away, Lily felt the urge to continue. "Places that I have been and places that I haven't."

The girls _ooo_ ed and _aw_ ed at that. "I mostly dream of aquatic animals," Alice informed Lily. "But I think I would like to dream of places."

Lily furrowed her eyebrows. "So you haven't dreamed of a person?"

The three girls shake their heads in union. "Magic tends to delay our ability to dream of our dreammate. I've heard Muggles dream of them earlier than we do, but apart from a few rare exception, most have their first dream of another person around their fourth year," Marlene explained.

Lily sighed at that. For the first time since she was seven, she didn't feel different anymore.

* * *

That night, she dreamed of the stag again. It had been a few weeks since her last dream about him.

It happened as it always did, with the stag nudging her before bowing. As she came up from her bow, she recognized the trees that are part of the forest. It was the forest that the Headmaster claimed was forbidden.

She wondered how the stag knew his way around the Forbidden Forest so well. But she pushed that thought to the back of her mind as she joined the stag in running through the trees. She felt alive. She felt free.

When she woke up, the dream still fresh in her mind, she smiled for the first time. The dreams usually made her feel like a freak, but as she lay in her bed, surrounded by others just like her, she felt normal. Maybe it wasn't normal to dream of places _and_ animals, but she didn't care.

She stared up at the top of her four poster bed, knowing full well that she wasn't getting back to sleep. With the adrenaline still rushing through her system, she waited for daybreak.

* * *

The school year wasn't as different as what Lily had imagined it would be. She loved it at Hogwarts, where she could hide among the rows of book in the library and feel like she was home.

Going home would mean facing the other part of her – the Muggle part. It meant facing her sister, and for a moment, she wished that she could spend the summer holidays at Hogwarts. Immediately, however, she pushed that thought out of her mind.

She was a Gryffindor, and that meant facing her fears, even if it was the fear that her sister still continued to hate her.

As she boarded the train, she thought about the dream with the stag that she had the night before. It was the same. Lily wondered if she went down to the Forbidden Forest if she would see the stag galloping through the woods as it did in her dreams.

As she passed a compartment, the voices echoed in the hallway. She couldn't help herself; she stopped for a moment to listen. "I dreamed of her again last night," a voice said. Lily immediately recognized it as James Potter, a prankster and fellow Gryffindor.

"I thought you dreamed of her every night," another voice said, teasing apparent in their tone. Lily assumed it to be Sirius Black, James' best friend.

She heard a commotion, and decided it was best to continue moving. She didn't need them to know that she had been eavesdropping. They would never let her live that down.

As she sat down in her own compartment, she wondered who James Potter was talking about. She didn't really know why she wanted to know who he was dreaming about, to be honest, but any mention of dreammates made her curious.

When Marlene, Dorcas and Alice entered the compartment, she pushed thoughts of James' dreammate to the back of her mind.

* * *

Lily stomped out of the classroom in a huff. Of course the teacher would pair her with James bloody Potter. Logically, she knew that Professor Quill was being fair, pairing Muggleborns with Purebloods, but she would've rathered Marlene or Dorcas. Maybe they would do their own part.

She sighed loudly as she made her way to the library. James Potter doesn't care about anything that wasn't Quidditch, Transfiguration, or pranks. She just knew that she would be doing all the work herself.

By the time she got herself situated in the library, Potter was standing across from her, the grin still plastered on his face. He opened his mouth to speak, but Lily waved her hand dismissively. "Look, we both know that you aren't going to do your part, so just leave."

The grin fell from his face. Lily didn't even bother to look up. It took James several moments before he left her.

(Two weeks later, his part of the project ended up in her bag, and she vowed never to underestimate Potter again).

* * *

Lily was sitting with her back against the tree, her homework in her lap. Severus was beside her. She sighed loudly. "I hate History of Magic."

"I'm sure everyone hates that class," Severus remarked, not looking up.

She rolled her eyes. "I don't see why he assigns homework. He's a ghost and can't pick them up."

"And yet, you're the overachiever who still does it."

She narrowed her eyes. "There's History of Magic on the O. ," she pointed out.

"Like you need the History of Magic O.W.L. for anything," he said dismissively.

Lily shook her head, but decided not to answer. She turned back to the essay with determination. Before she could write another word, the sound of laughing was carried through the air. She could recognize that laughter almost anywhere. Across the way, and approaching quickly, Lily seen her four housemates - James and Sirius walking backward, still talking to Remus and Peter loudly.

She watched as Severus lifted his head, glaring in the direction of the group of four boys. "Are they ever quiet?"

She shook her head. "Just leave it, Sev."

* * *

It was Alice who first dreamed of her dreammate. The morning after her seeing him, she waxed poetically about a pair of the most gorgeous eyes she had ever seen. She spoke about how she couldn't wait to see more of them, since the dreams only give glimpses of people, not the whole person. And as Lily sat on her bed, listening, pillow clutched to her chest, she felt envious. She was at the prime age, in the Wizarding World, to be having her dreams, and yet she still hadn't.

She wanted her dreams badly. She didn't want to be the last one to have them. She was just too eager to have them, especially since Petunia took every chance to talk about hers when Lily was at home.

"Lily?" Dorcas asked. Her eyes snapped up, meeting Dorcas' concerned glance. "Are you okay?"

She plastered on a smile. "Yeah, I'm fine."

She must not have sounded convincing because Dorcas furrowed her eyebrows, but the other girl didn't press the matter. For that, she was thankful - she wasn't sure how to voice her fears. The fear that she would never get the dreams. That she would never be normal, even in her own world.

* * *

Alice looked at Lily, her eyebrows furrowed. "What's wrong?"

Lily shook her head. She pulled her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around them, hiding her face from view. Her shoulders shook with the force of the sobs. She felt a gentle motion of Alice rubbing her back.

"I take it that your date didn't turn out so well?"

She raised her head to look at Alice, hiccupping. "It was to tell me that we're over," she answered.

Alice pulled Lily into a hug. "I'm sorry."

Lily laughed, high pitched and strangled. "He kept saying that his dreams have started and they're not me. Tells me that it's not my fault."

"It isn't. You can't control when you have the dreams," Alice reasoned.

"Says the girl who already started dreaming of their mate." Silence filled the air. And Lily huffed. "I'm sorry. That was mean."

Alice stood up. "I know you didn't mean it. You've got a broken heart. You know what's good for them?" When Lily shook her head, Alice grinned. "Ice cream." She held out her hand. "Come on, let's get some ice cream."

Lily couldn't help the smile that crossed her face. She grabbed Alice's hand and allowed herself to be pulled through the castle, to the kitchen, for some heart-mending ice cream.

* * *

"Lily," she heard faintly.

She recognized the voice, but couldn't place it. She blinked open her eyes, wiping sleep from them. In front of her stood Remus.

"What time is it?" she questioned.

He frowned. "It's after three. You must've fallen asleep down here."

She mirrored his expression. She didn't remember falling asleep. But she did remember her dream. It was of the stag.

He took the seat next to her. "What were you dreaming about?" he asked curiously. "You were fidgeting a lot."

She blushed. "I -" she stammered.

"You were dreaming of your mate, weren't you?" he asked, a smile on his lips.

She shook her head. She opened her mouth to speak, but the words just wouldn't come out. She hadn't told anyone other than Severus about her dreams of the stag. She closed her mouth and took a deep breathe. "I was dreaming about a deer. Running with me in the forest."

He furrowed his eyebrows, as he did when he was confused. "Do you dream of animals often?"

Again, she shook her head. "I tend to dream of places."

That got him to smile. "I dream of them too." He paused for a few minutes. "How often do you dream of the deer?"

"It started when I was ten, I guess," she replied. "It's mostly the same dream each time."

"And you haven't dreamed of your mate?"

She frowned deeply. Marlene had said she would start about fourth year, but fourth year came and gone without her dream. All the other girls had gotten theirs, but two years later and she still hasn't. She wasn't sure what that would have to do with her with dreams of the stag.

Remus must have understood her silence, because he stood. "That's very interesting," he muttered, mostly to himself. "I've never heard of this."

Before she had a chance to ask what he meant, he disappeared up the boy's staircase, leaving Lily alone to think about his weird behavior.

* * *

The sound of the Common Room door opening alerted Lily. She rubbed sleep from her eyes, glancing up at the three figures walking toward her. They haven't noticed her yet, and they were far enough away that she couldn't see who they were.

"Those antlers you have saved us, Prongs," a voice whispered, elated. After six years living with them, Lily could tell that voice anywhere - Sirius Black. Which meant that James, Peter and Remus were most likely with him. _Wait,_ she thought to herself, _it's a full moon tonight._ So Remus wouldn't be with them.

Her suspicions were confirmed when another voice said, "Shut up, Padfoot. Do you really want everyone to know?"

James. Undoubtedly.

When they finally noticed her, they froze. "What are you doing up," James said, glancing at the clock, "at five in the morning? A bit early, even for you."

She started to clean up her pile of homework. "Must've fallen asleep down here last night. What are you three doing just getting in?"

Sirius held his hands in the surrendering position. "You caught us. We thought that since Remus was ill that we would pull a prank. Been out all night setting it up."

Lily almost laughed at Sirius blatant lie. _He's going to pretend I didn't hear what he said_ , she thought. She picked up her bag. "I thought you being Head Boy would defer you from childish pranks, James. I guess I was wrong."

She disappeared up the girl's staircase. But faintly, she could hear Sirius yell indignantly. She smiled.

* * *

It had been weeks since she last fallen asleep in the common room, and she still could not stop thinking about what Sirius meant. The prank that Sirius claimed to have been setting up never happened and she saw no usage of antlers.

In fact, the only time she saw antlers were in her dreams, on the nights she dreamt of her stag. And there was no way that James could be that stag.

Could there?

* * *

Remus looked up from his homework. Lily's hands were on her hips. It had taken her a day and a half to finally corner him without the rest of his friends. He was sitting with his back against the tree, facing the great lake. He just raised his eyebrow at Lily.

"When you found me asleep in the common room last year, you said it was interesting that I dream of a stag when I dream of places. Why?" she demanded.

Remus returned his attention to his homework, motioning for her to sit down. "Why did it take you a year to ask?"

She deliberated on the answer. "Because I didn't have an idea about why it would be interesting."

"And you do now?"

She nodded. "A few months ago your mates came into the common room just before dawn. Woke me up. But Sirius mentioned something about James having antlers, and, when questioned, said that since you were _ill,_ they were playing a prank. However, no prank happened and no antlers of any kind were involved."

Remus laughed. "You're not wrong."

"That's not an answer."

"But it is," Remus insisted. "You're not wrong." They both heard footsteps approaching. He patted her arm. "Just think about it. You'll know."

Lily slipped away before the rest of his friends could join Remus.

* * *

The hallways were silent as Lily and James walked them. As usual, their rounds were quiet. But every so often, Lily would stare at James from the corner of her eye. Ever since her talk with Remus, she wanted to ask, wanted to know if what she was thinking was true.

"Keep looking at me like that, Lily, and I might start thinking you like me," James said, breaking the easy silence.

Lily laughed, rolling her eyes. "You wish."

"Honestly, why do you keep looking at me?" James asked. And Lily suspected that after years of living with Sirius, James learned every alternative for 'seriously'. "You've been glancing at me since our patrol started."

Lily stopped in the middle of the hallway. "You're an Animagus, aren't you?"

James huffed. "Remus told us you were onto us. How'd you find out?"

"So you are?" Lily questioned. When James doesn't answer, Lily just moved on. "That night I was asleep in the common room and you all came in close to dawn."

"I told Sirius we had to be careful," James said. "But he never listens. Are you going to turn us in?"

Lily paused for a moment. Turning them in would be the right thing to do, something that she _should_ do, but a feeling deep in her gut whispers otherwise. She shook her head. "You're doing it for Remus, aren't you? Accompanying him."

James looked at her, nonplussed. "How did -"

"Please," she said, rolling her eyes, "I've known since second year. But for how I know you're doing it for Remus, well. I keep track of the full moons so I can send Remus chocolate afterwards. That night in the common room was the night of the full moon and, to be honest, there was no prank the next morning. I put two and two together."

"You are something else," James whispered in awe.

Lily grinned. The real reason that she had originally asked came back to her. Her face became more serious. "Your Animagus form. It's a stag, isn't it?" And James just nodded. "Six points on the antlers, dark coat?"

At this, James furrowed his eyebrows. "How did you know that?"

Lily froze. "I...I have to go." She turned and left a bewildered James behind.

* * *

She had been dreaming of her mate all along. Had been dreaming of his true nature. And she had let herself fall in love with gentleness of stag, the carefree nature, the way the stag ran through the forest. She had fallen in love with the soul of stag.

She had let herself fall in love with James Potter.

* * *

A/n: so many thanks to everyone who helped me with this.


End file.
